|April Fool's Day Script|
|Written by Juniper|
|Sunday, 02 January 2011 22:52|
On this edition of Standing Stone and Garden Gate, Juniper and I are pleased to bring you the music of David Smith, Britain's best known pagan bard. Here's .... (whatever song).
(20 seconds of music)
BREN: Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt our podcast to bring you a special bulletin from the Intercontinental Radio News. At twenty minutes before eight, central time, Professor Farrell of the Mount Jennings Observatory, Chicago, Illinois, reports observing several explosions of incandescent gas, occurring at regular intervals on the planet Mars. The spectroscope indicates the gas to be hydrogen and moving towards the earth with enormous velocity. Professor Cox of the Observatory at Misty Acres confirms Farrell's observation, and describes the phenomenon as (quote) like a jet of blue flame shot from a gun (unquote). We now return you to the music of David Smith, playing at the OBOD Spring Camp in England.
(fifteen seconds of music)
Ladies and gentlemen, here is the latest bulletin from the Intercontinental Radio News. Toronto, Canada: Professor Morse of McGill University reports observing a total of three explosions on the planet Mars, between the hours of 7:45 P. M. and 9:20 P. M., eastern standard time. This confirms earlier reports received from American observatories. Now, nearer home, comes a special announcement from Trenton, New Jersey. It is reported that at 8:50 P. M. a huge, flaming object, believed to be a meteorite, fell on a farm in the neighborhood of Raven's Knoll, near Eganville Ontario, one hundred and thirty four kilometers from Ottawa.
The flash in the sky was visible within a radius of several hundred miles and the noise of the impact was heard as far north as Chalk River.
We have dispatched a special mobile unit to the scene, and will have our commentator give you a word description as soon as he can reach there from Ottawa. In the meantime, we take you to back to David Smith at the OBOD Camp in England.
(fifteen seconds of music)
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Brendan Myers, at Raven's Knoll, near Eganville, Ontario. Professor Cox and myself made the distance to Raven's Knoll in ten minutes. Well, I . . . I hardly know where to begin, to paint for you a word picture of the strange scene before my eyes, like something out of a modern "Mists of Avalon." Well, I just got here. I haven't had a chance to look around yet. I guess that's it. Yes, I guess that's the . . . thing, directly in front of me, half buried in a vast pit. Must have struck with terrific force. The ground is covered with splinters of a tree it must have struck on its way down. What I can see of the . . . object itself doesn't look very much like a meteor, at least not the meteors I've seen. It looks more like a huge cylinder. It has a diameter of . . . what would you say, Professor Cox?
JUNI (OFF-MIKE): What's that?
BREN: What would you say . . . what is the diameter?
JUNI: About thirty yards.
BREN: I wish I could convey the atmosphere . . . the background of this . . . fantastic scene. Hundreds of cars are parked in a field in back of us. Police are trying to rope off the roadway leading to the farm. But it's no use. They're breaking right through. Cars' headlights throw an enormous spot on the pit where the object's half buried. Some of the more daring souls are now venturing near the edge. Their silhouettes stand out against the metal sheen.
(FAINT HUMMING SOUND)
One man wants to touch the thing . . . he's having an argument with an Druid. The druid wins. . . . Now, ladies and gentlemen, there's something I haven't mentioned in all this excitement, but now it's becoming more distinct. Perhaps you've caught it already on your radio. Listen:
(LONG PAUSE) . . .
Do you hear it? It's a curious humming sound that seems to come from inside the object. I'll move the microphone nearer. (PAUSE) Now we're not more then twenty-five feet away. Can you hear it now? Oh, Professor Cox!
JUNI: Yes, Mr. Myers?
BREN: Can you tell us the meaning of that scraping noise inside the thing?
JUNI: Possibly the unequal cooling of its surface.
BREN: I see, do you still think it's a meteor, Professor?
JUNI: I don't know what to think. The metal casing is definitely extraterrestrial . . . not found on this earth. Friction with the earth's atmosphere usually tears holes in a meteorite. This thing is smooth and, as you can see, of cylindrical shape.
PHILLIPS: Just a minute! Something's happening! Ladies and gentlemen, this is terrific! This end of the thing is beginning to flake off! The top is beginning to rotate like a screw! The thing must be hollow!
VOICES: (from Orson Welles show) She's movin'! Look, the darn thing's unscrewing! Keep back, there! Keep back, I tell you! Maybe there's men in it trying to escape! It's red hot, they'll burn to a cinder! Keep back there. Keep those idiots back!
(SUDDENLY THE CLANKING SOUND OF A HUGE PIECE OF FALLING METAL)
VOICES: (from Orson Welles show) She's off! The top's loose! Look out there! Stand back!
BREN: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the most terrifying thing I have ever witnessed . . . Wait a minute! Someone's crawling out of the hollow top. Someone or . . . something. I can see peering out of that black hole two luminous disks . . are they eyes? It might be a face. It might be . . . Boris Pickett!
(cue Monster Mash)